Part of becoming an independent adult is realizing and accepting this fact, not only intellectually, but emotionally, and that usually involves sadness and sometimes anger.
It’s a psychological axiom that each loss recapitulates prior losses.
Children can interpret parental behavior as rejecting and shaming when it’s not meant to be.
Even parents who profess their love may alternately behave in ways that communicate you’re not loved as the unique individual who you are.
No partner can make up for those losses and disappointments.
Parents aren’t perfect and even those with the best intentions disappoint their children.
The intimacy of a close relationship reminds you of intimacy you once had or longed for with your mother or father. Codependents may have been neglected, blamed, abused, betrayed, or rejected in childhood, and these traumas get reactivated by current events.
Some seek power, some withdraw, and others try to win the love of their parents by adapting to their parents’ needs.
Stereotypical codependents keep trying to make relationships work – usually harder than their partner – in order to feel secure and okay with themselves.
Shame is an underlying cause of codependency stemming from early, dysfunctional parenting.
Codependents develop the belief that they’re basically flawed in some respect and that they’re unlovable.